(Anonymous): Last night I received: "why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonald's?"... sent: "you tried to order a margarita mcflurry and when they said they didn't make those you tried to call 911." MDT

(sara): Last night, "wats ur cell phone numba? i can't find it so i txtd u 2 ask..." MDT

(Anonymous): Last night, sent 3:28 am "mothaf*ckaa im illll NOT SICK" Received "mothaf*cka i'm asleep NOT AWAKE" MDT

(Red): Last night, Me: "What the f*ck...where are you? I'm at your house." Him: "I'm not at my house. Go to my stairs!" Me: "What's on your stairs??" Him: "You are...be naked!". MDT

(812): Dude help me i'm at this party right now and i can't find my phone anywhere! (rec'd): try calling it. (sent): Ok

(314): recv'd: "I'm pretty sure my new phone is a transformer. I misplaced it and now we have a new fridge." ... Sent: "Yah if by misplaced you mean being thrown last night down the Landing, hitting someone, then taking off running yelling 'you'll never take me alive!' then yah maybe it transformed it's way home."

• (ghost): Sent last night: "I'm textn and bang'n your sister right now, how many points do I get?" Recv'd back: "you motherfucker"... Replied: "She's next." MDT

• I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

• I didn't have enough money for condoms so i bought a scratch off- won 10 bucks- redeemed it for the damn condoms, a pack of gum, and a fuckin snickers.. time to get laid

• Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.

• My mom walked in on me masturbating with a poolstick that had a condom on it, she said well at least you're practicing safe sex.

• Pick up a box of condoms on your way home. im hungry for your cock. (sent) mom?! (recv'd) oh dear.. just one of the disadvantages of having a son and husband named john i guess. See you tomorrow sweetie

• What rhymes with boobs? (sent) Why? (recv'd) I'm trying to write a song for you.

• There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??

• Help me =[ (Sent): whats wrong baby? (recv'd) My bf dumped me again. (Sent) ill go buy condoms (recv'd) thanks i love u

• I just cleaned out my toilet because I knew that my head would be in it later

Met hot chick at bar. Went to her place. Fucked for like an hour. Played HER xbox, while getting a bj. Fucked again. More xbox and bj. Fell asleep, and what do I wake up to? Motherfucking pancakes... with chocolate chips. I'm in love...

Rec'd "Why was i sleeping under the bed?" sent: "you were convinced that if the government tried to find you cause you stole that cop's sister's virginity, they'd never look under the bed" rec'd: "makes sense"

recieved-dude i just saw elvis in the kitchen sent-awsome hows he doin-recieved-cant ask right now hes kicking micheal jacksons for banging his daugter sent-WHAT!-yea dude micheal cant fight for shit

Is a unicorn a male or a female? (Recd) Its obviously a man...it has a HORN (Sent) But its sparkly and pretty, it has to also be female.

(Sent) Dude, how did my car get in the pool?

Bro how do you tell a good friend that you got drunk and ACCEDENTALLY fucked his mom (sent): Idk call him i guess lol y? (rec'd) ummmmm i think ill call and tell you the story

(Rec'd) Whoszzsz thefucler shode penisaspcale (Sent) What?! (Rec'd) oh sorry thought you spoke alien

So I was talking with the mosquitoes earlier and they told my to beware of the flies....the fuckers lied!!! It is the damn crickets that are after me...do you know of a bunker near hear because the magical pixie elves told me that the grass is going to kill us!!!!! I'm really not as drunk as this seems I am, please call though, the evil leprechauns are torturing me to tell them where the gold is - I WILL NEVER TELL!!!!! Please bring my piggy bank so we can run away together and be safe!!